Technically, technically, you are a member of a friend group…well…loosely speaking. You’re a part of the chats. You get the invites but they sound like “Oh but you can come “…” which, when you think about it, sounds less like inclusion and feels more like an afterthought. You’re always there for the big, public plans – birthday parties, girls’ weekends, anything that would benefit from a bigger headcount – but you’re absent from the spontaneous happy hours and night outs where real bonding takes place and inside jokes are created. This situation is difficult because there’s no obvious antagonist and no dramatic fallout. You’re left with an insecurity that’s hard to prove: Am I just…nobody’s first choice. I’m their best friend…but are you mine? We asked Christina Ferrari, PsyD a Miami psychologist, to explain three signs that you’re just a “backup friend.” You’re always being invited at the last minute. Not occasionally. Consistently. As in, you’re informed about every plan the day before. You are only added to dinner reservations after someone else cancels. This could be a simple case of forgetfulness or a logistical issue. Dr. Ferrari says that “every once in a while, it is not causing concern”. There are also people who are disorganized in general. “If this is the way they are with their friends, it might reflect more on their poor planning.” This is annoying, but ultimately separate. You should pay attention to patterns if you can recall several instances. You’re not part of the main chats, where actual plans are made. Some of these tells can be subtle but revealing. Somehow, gatherings skip the messy in-between stage (“Does 7 Work?” “Where Should We Go ?”),”) and arrive at you already planned. It’s normal for people to have different friendships and interactions. Dr. Ferrari explains that it’s perfectly normal. Dr. Ferrari says that this isn’t a matter of being included in all things. However, if you pay attention to the frequency with which it occurs, you can better understand why you feel like you are constantly stepping into an established relationship rather than being a part of it at its beginning. You can only initiate a conversation or a meeting. “Life is busy and if there’s a temporary imbalance, that’s normal,” Dr. Ferrari explains. When you’re a true member of the crew, people will notice your absence or at least acknowledge it. Someone will notice you: “Wait! Where have you been?” I haven’t seen in forever.” We never see you anymore.” Let’s catch up.
