Topline
In Michigan, the number of cases is rapidly increasing. More than 700 new cases were reported Tuesday, bringing the total to over 3,300.
The Key Facts
What is the cause of this outbreak?
The cause of this outbreak is still unknown, but preliminary results from Michigan’s Health Department suggest that “lettuce and salad greens” could be to blame. Health officials have said that the investigation continues and other foods are not yet ruled out. Early information indicates that lettuce is a product which is frequently mentioned during investigations, said Michigan’s chief executive medical officer Natasha Bagdasarian.
The CDC has loosened its monitoring of Cyclospora.
One year ago, the CDC had removed cyclospora’s name from a list pathogens that were required to be tracked under its Foodborne Diseases Active Surveillance Network. The surveillance program is active in ten states, including New York. However, neither Michigan or Ohio participate. A CDC spokesperson said at the time that the program “would narrow its focus on Salmonella and E. coli producing Shiga toxin” in order to “allow FoodNet to staff to prioritise core activities”. Some experts expressed concerns about the possibility of a reduction in the surveillance program making it more difficult to determine whether certain cases of foodborne disease are increasing. NBC News reported that Dr. J. Glenn Morris of the Emerging pathogens Institute of the University of Florida, who was instrumental in creating the CDC’s surveillance system for foodborne diseases, said the CDC “is backing off one of its best surveillance systems”.
How does cyclosporiasis spread?
The CDC states that cyclosporiasis, a gastrointestinal disorder caused by the microscopically small parasite cyclospora. Infection can occur when people eat or drink contaminated water or food. It is not possible to spread the disease directly from one person to another. It can take up to a week for the symptoms to appear after ingesting a parasite. Experts describe diarrhea as “explosive” and watery. Other symptoms include weight loss, loss of appetite and cramping. Experts recommend that you follow basic hygiene practices to prevent an infection. This includes washing your hands and thoroughly rinsing fruit and vegetables.
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Recent weeks have seen headlines about a parasite that causes “explosive diarrhoea” causing concern. The parasite is spread by contaminated foods and has sickened thousands of people across the United States.
This intestinal infection caused by the parasite cyclospora is not new, and it usually increases in summer. NBC News reported that the number of cases in multiple states is higher than usual for this season. This includes Michigan where more than half of all U.S. cases were reported.
Kali Kniel Ph.D. is a professor of food microbiology at University of Delaware. She told TODAY.com that the rapid increase and large number of cases are unusual.
Past outbreaks of the parasite have been linked with raw fruits and vegetables. What’s causing the recent spike? And is it safe to eat fresh fruit and vegetables in summer?
The health officials continue to investigate a possible source.
The Michigan Department of Health and Human Services released a press release on Monday stating that early tests point towards lettuce and salad greens being a possible culprit for the outbreak in Michigan, although it couldn’t completely rule out any other food.
NBC News reported that it’s unclear if outbreaks occurring in various states are linked.
What is the “Diarrhea parasite”?
Cyclosporiasis results from Cyclospora cayetanensis – a parasite that is carried by human feces. Kniel says that people can become infected when they consume food or drink contaminated by particles of human feces.
Ingesting cyclospora can cause severe stomach upset. According to the CDC, cyclosporiasis most commonly manifests as sudden watery diarrhea that can last for several weeks.
In a segment on July 14, NBC’s Dr. John Torres, a medical expert, said: “If you have ever experienced stomach flu, or food poisoning… this is what we are talking about. But people say it’s even worse.”
Kniel says that cyclosporiasis does not usually pose a life-threatening threat and most healthy individuals recover by themselves. Treatment with combination antibiotics is very effective.
Kniel says that it can take up to 2 weeks for the parasite to become infective after being shed from the stool. This makes the spread of the disease between people highly unlikely.
Parasites can enter produce when it is grown on soil contaminated by feces or washed in water that contains feces. Kniel says that fresh fruits and vegetables can be the culprits.
Cyclosporiasis is on the rise in which countries?
According to TODAY.com, NBC News and state health departments that confirmed the reports on July 14, there were approximately 5,000 cyclosporiasis cases reported across more than 30 different states.
The CDC also confirmed 843 cyclosporiasis reports and 86 cases of hospitalization since May 1st, which is regarded as the beginning of the cyclosporiasis seasons in the U.S.
Michigan has been hit hardest. According to the MDHHS, as of July 14 the state had reported 3,309 cases of cyclosporiasis and 44 hospitalizations.
Ohio, New York and North Carolina are all experiencing a surge in cases.
The CDC said that it is unclear if the clusters of cases are linked.
TODAY.com reports that there may be several unrelated outbreaks occurring at once, according to Donald Schaffner Ph.D. Professor of Food Microbiology at Rutgers University’s Department of Food Science.
According to the CDC, the true number of infections with cyclospora in the U.S. may be higher than what is currently reported. According to the CDC, many people with diarrhea don’t go see a doctor and aren’t tested for cyclospora.
What is the cause of Cyclospora cases?
It is not known what caused the recent outbreaks of cyclosporiasis. The CDC and the U.S. Food and Drug Administration are investigating a possible source.
The Michigan Department of Health released a press release on July 13 that pointed to “lettuce and salad greens” (as a possible source) as the cause. They did stress that other food products could not be ruled out. The source has not been determined to be a specific produce type, supplier or grower.
Michigan is the only state that has experienced these early results. MDHSS shared “lettuce specific safety measures” with people in counties affected.
The Michigan outbreak may be linked to recent increases in cases reported in other states.
Trevor Suslow is an expert in food safety at the University of California Davis. He told TODAY.com that there were multiple pathways through which people could become infected.
In the past, cyclosporiasis outbreaks have occurred in the U.S. and been associated with contaminated lettuce, cilantro, raspberries, and basil.
Experts emphasize, however, that food may not be the sole culprit. Water could also play a role. For example, water contaminated by feces could be used as an irrigating solution for crops.
The surges in Michigan and Ohio are occurring along the Lake Erie shoreline. The geographical clustering of these cases makes me think that this is more of a waterborne than foodborne outbreak.
In a press release, Michigan officials said that there is “no evidence” linking the outbreak to recreational water activities. They also stated that the “exposure of contaminated produce” was being looked at as a main source.
Tracking Cyclospora Outbreaks
Experts in food safety tell TODAY.com that Cyclospora can be difficult to detect.
Torres explained that the incubation time is much longer than for most other types of food poisoning.
According to Schaffner, symptoms may take 10 to 14 days to appear. Confirming a diagnosis by testing, then scheduling an interview with an expert epidemiologist, to conduct an investigation, can also require a few weeks. The person may not remember the food or drink that caused their symptoms by that time.
Dianna Blau is the acting head of the CDC’s Parasitic Disease Branch. She told NBC News that only a tiny portion of parasitic disease cases are traced to a specific food.
Schaffner also points out that the CDC foodborne surveillance system made testing for cyclospora an optional test in July 2025. This could have an impact on the response.
What should you avoid?
It is impossible to protect yourself from cyclosporiasis by avoiding food or water that could be contaminated. Because no source can be identified definitively, there is no way to determine which products to avoid. However, experts warn people to not panic.
According to Schaffner, “nearly all fresh fruit and vegetables you buy today on the market are not associated with this outbreak and are no more likely to make people sick because of it.”
There’s currently no need to avoid raw fruits and vegetables, particularly during the peak season.
Schaffner says, “We all know (fresh produce) is a part of healthy eating, so I don’t intend to discourage anyone from doing that.” He still plans on enjoying his favorite fruits and vegetables this summer.
The state’s health department has issued the following recommendations for residents of one of Michigan’s affected counties:
Buy whole lettuce heads instead of packaged and pre-washed salad greens.
Remove the two or three outermost layers of leaves.
The inner leaves can be washed with running, clean water.
Cooking your greens at 158 degrees F is the best temperature to use, as washing them won’t kill parasites.
Cylospora: How to prevent it
Kniel says that there are many ways in which you can be proactive.
You can protect yourself by cooking food at least to 158° Fahrenheit. It’s possible to eliminate cyclospora by freezing food, but this is not guaranteed.
Suslow says that washing produce well can help reduce foodborne illnesses, but won’t completely eliminate them.
The state health departments offer a few additional tips for preventing cyclospora infections:
Hands should be washed thoroughly with hot soapy water after touching raw products.
Under running, clean water, scrub all fruits and vegetables. Use no soap.
If possible, remove the outer leaf layer or peel.
Before eating, remove any damaged parts of the produce by peeling or cutting them off.
Kniel says that people with weak immune systems should take extra care and consult their doctors about foodborne illnesses.
Kniel says, “We’re seeing a lot of hospitalizations. If you get sick, hydration and clinical care are important because these can be treated.”
Contact your doctor if you experience symptoms.

Elizabeth Wehrle was aware that four organs would be transplanted into her body before she underwent surgery.
She did not know at the time that this quadruple organ transplant was possibly the first in the nation, performed on someone who already had had a lung transplant.
Wehrle of Montezuma in Iowa said, “I am incredibly grateful they took a chance on me. But I’m very happy that I did not know I was the only one.”
According to Northwestern University, which cited information obtained from the Scientific Registry of Transplant Recipients, Wehrle was the first person known to have received a second kidney, liver and donor lungs after the body had rejected the lungs it received in an earlier transplant. Her liver and kidneys were also damaged due to cystic fibrosis.
Wehrle had a previous lung transplant, which made her quadruple organ transplant incredibly difficult. According to Northwestern doctors, a lung transplant may leave dense scars or distort the natural anatomy of a patient, which makes a second transplant more difficult than a previous one.
The Northwestern Medicine Comprehensive Transplant Center’s director, Dr. Satish Naidi, said, “This young woman had few options, she had no other place to turn, so we used the power of transplantation to help save her.”
Wehrle, then 11 years old was diagnosed with cystic Fibrosis. This genetic condition can cause damage to the lungs, and even other organs. The doctors were able keep her illness under control up until the end of 2015. She underwent lung transplantation in Iowa, USA, in 2017.
After the transplant, Wehrle went back to living her life as usual — she raised her toddler son at that time and ran a massage studio.
In January, her health took a drastic turn when she developed pneumonia. After spending about three weeks at the Iowa hospital, she returned home. She got worse during the time she spent at home. She had lost over 30 pounds within a matter of weeks. Her breathing was difficult and she needed assistance with everyday tasks like dressing.
In February she was again in hospital. She said that at one time she was unresponsive and she had to be intubated. Later, she was put on ECMO, or extracorporeal membrane oxygenation, a machine which provides life support.
She was mostly unconscious during that period. She said that her parents decided to wake her up when they realized she would need another transplant.
She knew it would be difficult, having already undergone a lung-transplant. She had previously said she didn’t want it to happen again. Her parents asked her to decide whether she wanted to continue.
Wehrle stated, “It’s hard to think about going through this all the first time and having to do it again when you have four other organs in place of the lungs.” “But I’ve got an 11-year old son. “But I have an 11-year-old son.”
She said, “At least I would have fought if I had not made it through surgery.” There was no choice for me.”
The surgery was performed in two phases. She was transported to Northwestern by helicopter. Wehrle’s severe rejection made a second lung transplant even harder, according to Dr. Ankit Bharat, chief of thoracic and executive director at Northwestern University Canning Thoracic Institute.
Bharat stated that it is technically difficult to perform second lung transplants in patients who have such severe rejection. The patients also are very sick.
In the first step, the surgeons separated the rejected lungs and their supporting structures in order to facilitate the removal.
Wehrle then remained under general anesthesia and was placed on a ventilator and ECMO for several days, her chest being left open.
The second phase of the surgery involved placing the new lungs in her body. This was followed by the liver and kidney. It took approximately eight hours. To keep the liver and kidney alive during lung transplant, they were kept in perfusion machines.
Wehrle says she doesn’t know the identity of this donor.
Wehrle has a hazy memory about waking up and discovering that surgery had been completed. Wehrle recalls that once the initial fog lifted, he felt relieved.
Wehrle recalled thinking, “I am here and still get to run my company and raise my son.” “I get my life back.”
Wehrle spent a few weeks in Northwestern after the transplant, before moving on to Shirley Ryan AbilityLab.
Her mom and father have been helping her stay in Chicago so that she can be near Northwestern to attend follow-up appointments and receive care. In June her son spent two weeks with her. They went on a tour of the Shedd Aquarium, and rode the Centennial Wheel in Navy Pier. She now walks three to four mile a day.
Wehrle looks forward to returning home this week to celebrate her belated birthday with her child and to see her cats again after months.
Wehrle expressed her gratitude to the Northwestern team, doctors and medical staff for giving him the chance and allowing him to fight his way back.
Northwestern doctors hope that the operation will open doors to more patients who have similar complex cases.
Nadig stated that the amount of coordination required to accomplish this is staggering. “… This gives other people in the world hope that it can be done.”

The Michigan Department of Health and Human Services has identified lettuce and other salad greens, as the source of an intestinal parasite that is behind severe diarrhea outbreaks across the country.
A state release was sent Monday by officials detailing the preliminary findings of their investigation into a cyclosporiasis epidemic. After the Health Department interviewed more than 1000 people with a positive cyclospora test, the possible source of the outbreak was discovered.
Early information shows that lettuce is a product which regularly appears in investigations, said Dr. Natasha Bagdasarian.
What is the cause of cyclosporiasis, a stomach parasite caused by cyclosporiasis?
It was made clear by the department that it is not possible to exclude other foods, and no specific produce or grower has been named as a source.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported 843 cases in the U.S. as of July 9. Michigan’s Health Department reports 2,640 case as of the 13th July. The CDC has acknowledged the inconsistent data and says that it works closely with the states to improve the situation.
Michigan and New York are currently the states with the highest number of cases, followed by Texas and North Carolina.
There have been cases reported also in Alaska, Alabama Arkansas Colorado Connecticut California Florida Georgia Indiana Iowa Kansas Massachusetts Maryland Maine New Hampshire New Mexico Rhode Island South Carolina North Dakota Nebraska Nevada Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Tennessee Tennessee Virginia West Virginia Wisconsin Utah.
What is the “explosive” diarrhea parasite, cyclosporiasis
According to the CDC, cyclosporiasis can be caused by a parasite. Infection occurs when people consume food or drink contaminated by feces. The symptoms usually appear between two and fourteen days following ingestion.
While the condition is usually not life-threatening for most people, it can cause severe symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, and cramping. According to the CDC, “watery diarrhea and frequent, explosive bowel movements” are most common symptoms. Loss of appetite, loss in weight, gas increase, body pains, headaches, and flu-like symptoms are also common.
It can be anywhere between a couple of days and a whole month if you don’t take antibiotics. The symptoms can disappear and then return several times.
Health officials noted that there is a greater risk of infection if you live in tropical or subtropical areas, or travel to those regions.
How to protect yourself against cyclosporiasis
The CDC suggests that you take the following precautions to minimize the risks of contamination when preparing or eating raw food:

During the last seven years of my wife Maggie’s life, she suffered from neurosarcoidosis, a chronic autoimmune disease in which the body’s immune system attacks the central nervous system. Each episode of inflammation caused irreparable damage to her ability to function independently. The drugs she took to manage the neurosarcoidosis caused Type 2 diabetes, weight gain, water retention, diabetic peripheral neuropathy and electrolyte imbalance. They also suppressed her immune system and affected her kidneys and liver. Her doctors prescribed drugs to manage the side effects.
Maggie also suffered from cardiovascular disease (she had four strokes in less than a year) and pulmonary hypertension, all of which required more drugs. The neurosarcoidosis robbed her of memory, her ability to converse, her ability to work and to drive, and sometimes of time and reality. The strokes sapped her strength and her balance. By the end of her life, she was taking three drugs for neurosarcoidosis, two for blood pressure, three anticoagulants, four for diabetes, one for acid reflux, two for cholesterol and one for water retention.
Also Read: My Wife Of 26 Years Died. 6 Months Later, I Received A Call That Left Me Stunned.
Still, with all the medical burdens Maggie bore, with all the indignities she suffered while being poked and prodded and X-rayed and MRIed and CAT-scanned, what she couldn’t abide was her loss of independence. This wasn’t simply — or merely — losing the ability to jump in the car on a whim and meet friends for lunch.
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She had behind her a lifetime as a vibrant, inquisitive, gregarious human being; of helping others as a political activist, an ASL interpreter and a social worker; of taking care of friends and family. I think she felt the circle of her world tighten around her as the radius of her independence decreased. She spent more and more time in her recliner, which seemed to become the center of that circle.
I was angry that Maggie didn’t fight back against the tightening of that circle. I confronted her when she refused to take her pills, when I found napkins full of them stuffed behind the recliner seat cushion or hidden in piles of her clothing, when she wouldn’t go for a walk to get a bit of exercise, when I found pieces of candy stashed in hiding places she probably forgot about, when she came home from a dinner so drunk she could barely stand.
Why did you…? How could you…? Don’t you understand that…? The doctor told you… I don’t know what I’m supposed to do…
Also Read: My Wife Of 52 Years Just Died. My Grief Is So Overwhelming, I Can Barely Cope.
I made myself the victim or, sometimes, I’d even turn her love of her grandchildren into guilt.
Don’t you want to see your grandchildren grow up?
During my exasperated, frustrated rants, she didn’t say a word and glanced at me only occasionally. Even when I told her over and over that I loved her — even when I pleaded with her — she remained silent. If, after I was all ranted out, I knelt next to the recliner, held her, and said, “I love you,” then she would reply, “I love you, too.”
What does “fight back” mean when you’re saddled with an incurable disease whose cause is unknown and whose progression can only be “managed”? Maggie was not going to get better — at best, she would not get worse. I wanted her with me, whatever her condition. Maybe “whatever her condition” was not a quality of life she wanted for herself. Did I, who was not ill, have the right to demand that she fight back? By doing so, was I claiming that I would have fought back if I were in the recliner, in effect telling her that I was better than her? And, perhaps most important of all, by making her feel guilty about not doing more to take care of herself, was I reinforcing in her mind just how much independence she had lost? Maybe not taking her pills was her way of asserting what little independence she had left. Maybe hiding candy was her way of squeezing little bits of pleasure from a life that seemed less and less her own.
Also Read: I Watched My Wife Die A Horrific Death. I Thought I’d Never Recover — Until 4 Words Changed My Life.
I justified my pressure on Maggie by telling myself that her neurosarcoidosis affected her decision-making ability. That was true. But was it entirely true? Maggie made plenty of decisions that seemed reasonable: She decided she wanted to go to the dollar store; she decided she wanted café con leche y tostada every morning; she decided to call her sister to chat. If it was not entirely true, how true was it? Was it true only for decisions she made that I disagreed with? If so, then my justification was an excuse for my frustration.
I didn’t know where to draw the line, or whether a line could be drawn. I tried not to be so much of a helicopter husband. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, I told myself. This is true. but also cruel. Maggie wasn’t a passerby who didn’t want my help picking up keys she had dropped. She was the love of my life. We were together — willingly — for 36 years. We had zinged (see “Hotel Transylvania”).
All of these questions disappeared — temporarily — when Maggie had a stroke on Saturday, Aug. 24, 2019. I was on the couch in the living room. I walked toward the bedroom and called “Good morning” to her. She didn’t respond, which was odd. I walked into the bedroom. She was sitting in the recliner. I looked at her and knew what had happened: Her eyes were wide, her speech was unintelligible, and her movements were uncoordinated. The stroke must have occurred just as she was putting her leg in her pants because she was stuck in that position. My reaction probably caused her anxiety; I don’t think she was aware of what was happening to her until she saw my face. She still had some consciousness when the EMTs arrived because she saw them and made a crying sound. By the time the EMTs got her in the ambulance, she was unconscious.
Maggie and I are sitting in a lawyer’s office on May 17, 2017. We are getting our “estate” in order. She is 63 and I am 64. Maggie had been ill for five years and I had had a heart attack the previous October. Taking care of the legal stuff seems prudent: designation of health care surrogate, inter vivos declaration of trust, last will and testament, warranty deed, living will, durable power of attorney. Maggie signs her living will and I sign mine. I designate her as my health care surrogate and she designates me as hers. Two months and $3,000 later, it’s done.
I know what a living will is. As the saying goes, there’s an app for that. Neither of us wants to be kept “alive” by machines. A living will? Of course. Easy. We’ve got that covered. We stop for lunch on the way home.
During her 10 days in the ICU after her stroke in 2019, life left Maggie bit by bit, organ by organ. At first she was breathing on her own, but the attending physician was not hopeful. Severe strokes like hers, he warned, caused too much damage for the brain to recover. Days later, Maggie had to be intubated to get enough oxygen into her lungs, but she was still breathing on her own.
On Monday, Sept. 2, Maggie’s body began to shut down. Because not enough oxygen was getting into her lungs, her heart was working too hard to pump an inadequate amount of oxygen around her body. The nurses gave her medicine to increase the rate of oxygen absorption. When her heart rate decreased, they gave her medication to stimulate it. She developed pneumonia, which happens often in hospitals, but which was more dangerous for her because her system was immunosuppressed, so she received antibiotics for that. She couldn’t cough, so they inserted a vacuum tube to remove the phlegm from her lungs. Her kidneys weren’t removing enough liquid, so they prescribed more drugs. Her liver was having a hard time removing all the drugs they were giving her, so they gave her a drug for that. They kept turning up the ventilator until it couldn’t pump more frequently or at a higher pressure. She was no longer breathing on her own.
Also Read: An 88-Year-Old Woman Was Brought To My ER. When Her Family Told Me Why, I Was Stunned.
At around 4:30 a.m. on Tuesday, Sept. 3, I said, “Stop.” A nurse brought the DNR. At that moment, my theoretical agreement two years earlier to be Maggie’s health care surrogate crashed into the reality of staring at the line where I was to sign my name. I had been awake for more than 24 hours, watching nurses coming to Maggie’s bedside with ever-increasing frequency, doing their best to stop her body from doing what it was inexorably doing. I’m doing what she wanted me to do, I told myself. If I didn’t do it, a doctor would do it eventually, but she wanted me to do it. I signed the form with the same name I use to sign checks and credit card receipts. Somewhere in the bowels of the hospital’s memory is proof that I told the nurses not to try to keep Maggie alive. Why was that moment so … ordinary?
Three years would pass before I could tell anyone what I had done.
The nurses asked me to leave the room while they removed the IVs and PICC line and heart monitor and blood pressure monitor and ventilator and pulse oximeter and intermittent pneumatic compression device and urinary catheter, and changed her bedsheets and hospital gown. Maggie looked asleep and pale.
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I called my daughters, Cristina and Daniela, and my sisters-in-law, Dominga and Maria, who were staying at our house. I didn’t reach Daniela, who was in Hawaii, until later in the day. I told Cristina to come to the hospital right away. I had to call her back because I forgot (how?) to tell her that her mom had died. I didn’t tell them that I had said “Stop,” only that Maggie had died.
My ears were ringing. I felt like I was watching a movie through my eyes but the camera couldn’t quite focus. I was numb. I couldn’t cry. Even when Cristina cried on the phone and then again at the hospital. Even when Maria broke down in the hospital room. Even when Jessica, Cristina’s friend, came to the hospital, crying. I started to ask her why she was crying. Even when Daniela cried on the phone when I told her later that afternoon, I couldn’t cry. A couple of days later, Cristina and her sons came to the house. My grandson Anthony was crying and I started to ask him why. I remember thinking to myself, Why am I acting so strangely? and having no answer to the question.
Also Read: When My Daughter Received A Life-Altering Diagnosis, I Heard The Same Phrase Over And Over. I’ll Never Repeat It To Anyone Else.
But the dam did burst. In the flood of emotions, all my questions about Maggie’s quality of life came roaring back, but now they were burdened with guilt. I should have done more of what she wanted to do, even if that meant taking her to more dollar stores, I told myself. I should have done less arguing and pushing. I should have been more attentive, more caring, more loving. I should have told her more often that I loved her. I should have been less concerned with what I wanted from her, and more concerned with what she wanted from life.
In the days after her death, I found a text message from Maggie to one of her sisters that read, “My friends have disappeared.” Those four words hit me like a sledgehammer. Maggie was a hoarder — our bedroom, especially, was full of … things. Piles and piles of things. Shelves and drawers full of things. At some point — probably at a moment when I was particularly frustrated with her seeming indifference to her own health — I told Maggie I was going to sleep on the couch in the living room because the mattress was uncomfortable and the room was a mess. At a time when Maggie felt that she was losing her friends, I moved myself out of our bedroom. I put my feelings ahead of hers. Was I punishing her? Instead of buying a new mattress and putting up with the mess so she could put her head on my shoulder while she slept, I made her sleep alone. She never said a word.
We held a memorial for Maggie on Saturday, Sept. 14, at the community center in Biscayne Park, not far from our house. I gave the eulogy. I was wrung out. I couldn’t talk about my feelings of guilt, of self-loathing, or about the DNR. That was OK, I told myself, because the eulogy and the memorial were about Maggie, not about me. But the guilt was an unbearable weight on my soul.
Cristina and her family and I flew to Puerto Rico on Sept. 20 for a memorial for Maggie at Dominga’s house in Vega Baja. The family went out to a Chinese restaurant. I wasn’t up to it. I laid in one of the beds in our Airbnb and when the family left, I cried. Then I wrote this poem:
What do I do now? I need to take care of you. Daughters, grandsons, family. They have each other — Cousins, husbands, brothers, boyfriends. I don’t have you. I don’t have you. I don’t have you. What do I do now? My days are filled with no Doctors appointments no Farmers markets no Dollar stores no Hospital vigils no Helping you up the stairs no Making cafe con leche no Arguments about Corona no Watching you so unhappy no Trying to make you smile. What do I do now? I have to fill your pill box, But the vials are empty. I have to take your pressure, But the cuff is empty. I have to wash your clothes, But the laundry basket is empty. Everything is empty. I am empty. How can I fill my emptiness With something, If my emptiness is The shape of you? What do I do now? I need to take care of you but I don’t have you I don’t I
What do I do now?
Six September 3rds have passed since Maggie died. I’m managing my guilt. Images and memories still have the power to make me wince, but they no longer immobilize me. I don’t want the guilt to go away. It reminds me that I added to Maggie’s sadness. I did that. She was the victim. Do I have the right to forgive myself? Intentionality and proportionality seem weak arguments when confronted with the historical record.
I don’t know whether I can do this again. Is it possible to love someone without hurting them? Without hurting them when they already hurt? Maybe love isn’t enough. But it’s all I have. That’s the scary part.
When I was barely out of my tweens, Dad would send me out on cold winter mornings in Fort Greene, Brooklyn, to start the car. It was a used car (he only bought used cars) so getting the engine to turn over took time and effort — all of it unsuccessful — until finally it happened.
I’m trying to start that old car.
Danny Spector is a writer, a retired geologist, and a red diaper baby. He raised two wonderful daughters, Cristina and Daniela, with the love of his life, Maggie, who passed away in 2019, and now basks in the glow of four grandsons (with a granddaughter due in May). He is the author of the weekly Thoughts-Letter (thoughtsletter.substack.com), his outlet for fictional and nonfictional musings. Some people actually read it.
This story was previously published on HuffPost and is being shared again now as part of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series.
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